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Who to Vote for
in 1956

by Hildegard Buskepelheit

For those without a clue, the Buskepelheit report is intended as satire!
Its 1956!  Times are changing so fast my head is spinning.  They have hydromatic cars now where you don't have to shift, it does it for you.  Imagine, the car runs away with you!  And they have something called power steering.  I was a riveter lady in the war, I'm as strong as an ox; I need power steering like a hole in the head.

But, never mind that, I want to talk about serious matters like who to vote for.  I like Ike!  Yes, the general is a real American, not like that Stevenson!  You let them win, the next thing you know is that you'll have farmers marrying their sheep!  I mean, I'm a modern woman born in 1901!  I have nothing against a man marrying his dog or whatever.  They already smell like each other, so what's the difference?

But, never mind that; what happens out past the paving across America where the cows are kept has nothing to do with what matters.  Its the Communists!  That Stalin who wants to take over the world!  Only Ike knows how to stop him.  I know all about war, I didn't just sit at home, you know.  During the war, I worked.  I built airplanes, flying fortresses!  I even had to wear pants, those overalls with the zipper up the front.  Imagine!  You'd think I could pee standing up!

But, never mind that, its none of your business how I do my business.  What matters is voting for President Eisenhower, Vice President Nixon, and Senator Jacob Javits.  These are America's leaders of the modern 1950s!  And come 1960, Mr. Nixon will be our next President.  What an honest man!

You only have to take one look at Mr. Nixon to know the face of integrity!  He'd never take a nickel from a crook.  He'd never lie, and he would never be foolish enough to try to make friends with Communists like the Red Chinese!  God bless America!

Hildegard Buskepelheit was an imaginary chopped liver lady in the 1950s.  The above mimeographed letter was found by her nephew Norman in a trunk in her attic in the Bronx following her demise in 1962.  Among other items found in the trunk were an 'I Like Ike' button, an early 1940s union membership card, a pair of men's overalls, some official looking documents apparently typed in Lithuanian, several 78 speed vinyl records featuring Ruth Etting, a crumpled tea stained paper napkin from Schraffts seemingly autographed by Christine Jorgensen, and a pair of large sequined ruby high healed shoes.

2016 GayMilitarySignal, The Buskepelheit Report