Lies & Life in the Era of the Plague

In Mid March the president held a live news conference on national television.  Totally unprepared and inept, he invited White House press corps questions, and simply stood there obviously making up lies in answer to each inquiry while those assembled around him rolled their eyes and gritted their teeth.  He was in his starring element, bullshitting his way through; and when all else fails he'll triumphantly declare bankruptcy.  He claimed to have taken the Virus Test and claimed to have come out negative.  My disappointment was only tempered by the hope that he was still lying.  Did he accept responsibility for the failure to have adequate testing available and for defunding medical preparedness?  Of course Not!  "Who could have anticipated something like this?" He said.  Only every previous President before him, that's who!  A few days later, he claimed to have predicted the whole thing long ago.  In any case, the main excuse was that the entire virus thing was a hoax designed to make him look bad.  Yeah sure, and well deserved.

Meanwhile, there is a national and international toilet paper shortage.  This was confirmed by my cousin in Australia.  Has the president appointed a new Cabinet Secretary of Toilet Paper?  No, of course not.  But, eventually he'll appoint a TP industry ex-executive as acting secretary.  So, what can we do, since we can't stop shitting and our president is full of shit?  Well, sorry to dwell on a smelly subject but the people want to know.  Long ago my Hindu best friend taught me what the Hindus do.  The don't use toilet paper, rather they climb into the tub with the water running and WASH their butts right away.  Very clean!  I'm mentioning this as a public service, so you'll know what to do when the paper runs out.  Um....and don't forget to wash your hands afterwards.

On Sunday afternoon in mid March the Mayor of New York City reluctantly announced the closing of America's largest school district with some million children.  Imagine hundreds of thousands of unsupervised teenagers running around free all day long!  Late that night, the closing of all New York City bars and restaurants was announced.  Where will all those alcoholic cops go now?  Where will I get my nice clean Chinese takeout now?

On the same afternoon, I went to the huge local supermarket crowded with people with overflowing shopping carts doing panic shopping.  There was a 30 minute wait at the cashier checkout line squished between people with sniffling children, as I thought,  "right, I'm going to get contaminated just trying to score some toilet paper!"

THIS in what the end of the world will look like.  Not with a world war with bombs falling from the sky as we huddle in rubble, No, it will just be the mundane act of getting contaminated while trying to score some toilet paper!

So, what's next?  My guess is that we'll all starve to death when the food runs out.  At least that will solve the toilet paper problem.  Oh wait, as a national blogger, I'm supposed to say something inspiring and reassuring.  But, that's the president's job.  Winston Churchill, Franklyn Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, and Barak Obama all rose to the occasion, when all hell broke loose, and calmly told the worried masses that they would guard them against evil and lead them through what was to come.  And they did.  Can anyone believe the current self contradicting president?  Can his bumbling bullshit be reassuring to anyone? 

So, here it is, from the moustacheod lips of old Sgt Denny:  Fellow Citizens!  We face the gravest threat to life on our planet since the Big Meteor killed the dinosaurs,  Courage!  Together, united but separated by six feet, we shall prevail!  We have a plan.....which will be revealed shortly as soon as we figure one out.  In the meantime, brave brothers and sisters and gender flexibles, Carry On!

There, feel better now?

Thousands of years from now, alien space explorers will land on Earth and discover huge empty cities, without life, with vast global transit and communications systems still and silent frozen in time.  And they'll wonder, 'WTF happened here?'  The only sound they'll hear will be ringing phones with the automated spam call systems still continuing.

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