Lies & Life
Era of the Plague
In Mid March the president held
a live news conference on national television.
Totally unprepared and inept, he invited White
House press corps questions, and simply stood there
obviously making up lies in answer to each
inquiry while those assembled around
him rolled their eyes and gritted their teeth.
He was in his starring element, bullshitting his
way through; and when all else fails he'll
triumphantly declare bankruptcy. He
claimed to have taken the Virus Test and claimed
to have come out negative. My
disappointment was only tempered by the hope
that he was still lying. Did he accept
responsibility for the failure to have adequate
testing available and for defunding medical
preparedness? Of course Not! "Who
could have anticipated something like this?" He
said. Only every previous President before
him, that's who! A few days later, he
claimed to have predicted the whole thing long
ago. In any case, the main
excuse was that the entire virus thing was a
hoax designed to make him look bad. Yeah
sure, and well deserved.
Meanwhile, there is a national
and international toilet paper shortage.
This was confirmed by my cousin in Australia.
Has the president appointed a new Cabinet
Secretary of Toilet Paper? No, of course
not. But, eventually he'll appoint a TP
industry ex-executive as acting secretary.
So, what can we do, since we can't stop shitting
and our president is full of shit? Well,
sorry to dwell on a smelly subject but the
people want to know. Long ago my Hindu
best friend taught me what the Hindus do.
The don't use toilet paper, rather they climb
into the tub with the water running and WASH
their butts right away. Very clean!
I'm mentioning this as a public service, so
you'll know what to do when the paper runs out.
Um....and don't forget to wash your hands
On Sunday afternoon in mid March
the Mayor of New York City reluctantly announced
the closing of America's largest school district
with some million children. Imagine
hundreds of thousands of unsupervised teenagers
running around free all day long! Late
that night, the closing of all New York City
bars and restaurants was announced. Where
will all those alcoholic cops go now?
Where will I get my nice clean Chinese takeout
On the same afternoon, I went to
the huge local supermarket crowded with people
with overflowing shopping carts doing panic
shopping. There was a 30 minute wait at
the cashier checkout line squished between
people with sniffling children, as I thought,
"right, I'm going to get contaminated just
trying to score some toilet paper!"
THIS in what the end of the
world will look like. Not with a world war
with bombs falling from the sky as we huddle in
rubble, No, it will just be the mundane act of
getting contaminated while trying to score some
So, what's next? My guess
is that we'll all starve to death when the food
runs out. At least that will solve the
toilet paper problem. Oh wait, as a
national blogger, I'm supposed to say something
inspiring and reassuring. But, that's the
president's job. Winston Churchill,
Franklyn Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, and Barak
Obama all rose to the occasion, when all hell
broke loose, and calmly told the worried masses
that they would guard them against evil and lead
them through what was to come. And they
did. Can anyone believe the current self
contradicting president? Can his bumbling
bullshit be reassuring to anyone?
So, here it is, from the
moustacheod lips of old Sgt Denny: Fellow
Citizens! We face the gravest threat to
life on our planet since the Big Meteor killed
the dinosaurs, Courage! Together,
united but separated by six feet, we shall
prevail! We have a plan.....which will be
revealed shortly as soon as we figure one out.
In the meantime, brave brothers and sisters and
gender flexibles, Carry On!
There, feel better now?
Thousands of years from now,
alien space explorers will land on Earth and
discover huge empty cities, without life, with
vast global transit and communications systems
still and silent frozen in time. And
they'll wonder, 'WTF happened here?' The
only sound they'll hear will be ringing phones
with the automated spam call systems still
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